Thursday, June 24, 2004
almost 3AM.. can't sleep.. my mind is filled with countless thots.. yet i just can't seem to put any of them in words.. i have problem expressing myself.. MAJOR TIME! and i think it is exactly this, that's bothering me now.. well, PARTLY.
i'm struggling rite now even as i attempt to pen down some of my dEepeSt daRkeSt thots.. i think my serious inability to express myself, in WoRds esp, is one of my GREATEST FLAWS. it has landed me in all sorts of problems as a result of my way of communication, or e lack of it. i dun always say what i feel or think, not tt i say e exact opposite, not becuz i wanna be a hypocrite, but cuz i can't find e rite words to say. And even when i do, e words often dun come out right. and den i'd be thinking tt i shud have thot twice abt what i'd just said even after i'd alr thot sO hARd.
which, by e way, also explains why my sms-replies are sometimes (not ALWYS) SO laggy.. OoH, and also why i sometimes prefer SMS-ing or face2face talks to talking over e phone, cuz den i'll have time to "digest", collect my thots, and den put my response in words.. and plus silence face to face isnt as awkward as silence over e phone.. at least this' how it is to me~
so ok, i'm not articulate, vocal or eloquent.. despite being an ARTS student.. i really admire ppl who can say what they feel & feel what they say.. everyth just comes out so naturally and so.. RiGhT! every word is just so appropriate for tt particular expression.. if u think u fit this description, you're prolly one of those i'd "woW!" at and wished i cud speak just like you.. tt i cud just sPEaK my miNd!
maybe i shud have made READING me biggest hobby back in my pri/sec school days instead of faking all my reading records (just mere listing of title of books/authors/date started/date ended) and re-using previous or my sister's book reviews.. maybe i shud have taken time to read the TIME magz which were sent to my hse EVERY week, for TWO year(J1,2)!! but all i did was left em aside, or stuck em btwn somewhere.. still neatly wrapped up.. wasting the almost 200 bUCks my parents spent on the subcription.. So now i'm a lousy eNgliSH tutor..sheesh~ what's e point of sayin all these now..?
maybe it's sth tt runs it e family? but nah.. but sis' alright i think. my parents are the reserved sort. and we dun really express our love for one another in words in e family. or maybe it's just a ME-thing..i'm just trying too hard to find all sorts of excuse.. -shrugs-
i'll admit it.. i'm an introvert..
but hey, God made us all different and unique.
so yeh, back to the point abt me not being able to express myself.. Sometimes when i listen to ppl share abt their feelings.. i'd think "hey, tt's EXACTLY how i'm feeling too!" only difference is tt e person was able to express his feelings, while i'd still be figuring out how.. *wonders if anyone else ever felt this way* So anyway, by listening to ppl's sharing, not only do i getta know their inner thots, i oso learn to understand myself better.. and err, maybe pick up one or two tips on 'expressing oneself'. hahahas..
hence my love language for others is most of e time in e form of GIFTS! *sMilEs* which is good! means all my dearests and closests can always expect a prezzie from ME!! (if u havent, i'm prolly broke & still saving up for it *griNzz*) OR *whiSpERs* you dun fall into tis category.. hAhahaz.. i dun like writing cards or letters or giving long speeches.. but DUN LIKE doesnt mean i WON'T.. (eg. DUN LIKE to bathe not equals to WON'T bathe!) i still WILL, when TIME permits me to.. it'll just take loNgeR *sighh~* but my love language for OTHERS may not be the one tt works most effectively on me.. Hehz.. like what Judy mentioned in her sermon, start of June, on Fellowship. (i paid attention..!)
Speaking of e 5 Languages of Love, i'm gonna list em down.. just for the fun of it.
and maybe in order of my preference! Hahaz
1. (a TiE!) Quality time + AttN & Words of affirmation
2. Receiving gifts
3. Acts of service
4. Physical touch
And wow.. scrolled up n realised i've written quite alot. not sure if it's good or bad..but well, i can type whateva i want in my blog.. =)
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